Leading with Your Shadow: When Strengths Slip into Dark Mode
Most leaders pride themselves on their strengths.
Strengths like drive, empathy, decisiveness, adaptability - the very qualities that got them into the role. But here’s the sick plot twist of human nature and personality: those same strengths are usually the ones that trip us up.
Not because they’re weaknesses, but because under pressure they flip into dark mode. Drive turns into control. Empathy turns into people pleasing. Decisiveness turns into bulldozing. The very qualities that should help us lead are suddenly undermining trust, effectiveness and our own energy.
This is what Carl Jung described as the shadow self - the parts of us we deny or repress, but that still show up in sneaky ways. In leadership, your shadow isn’t lurking in a corner wearing a cape. It’s right there in the meeting where you cut someone off, or in the late night email that signals panic more than clarity.
Why shadows matter in leadership
Ignoring your shadow doesn’t make it go away. In fact, the less you acknowledge it, the more it drives you.
Robert Kegan, in his work on adult development, calls this being ‘subject to’ your patterns rather than ‘object to’ them. In other words: when you can’t see your shadow, it owns you. When you can see it, you can make choices about how to use it.
And here’s the thing: your team already sees it. And they probably don’t let you know - you are their leader after all.
They know when your confidence slides into arrogance. They know when your optimism crosses into avoidance. They might not name it, but they feel it and they adapt around it.
Which means your shadow doesn’t just shape you… it quietly shapes the whole culture.
Where shadows come from
Most of our shadows aren’t random. They’re strategies we learned early on to stay safe, loved, or valued.
Attachment theory tells us that children adapt to whatever environment they grow up in. If love felt conditional, we may become overachievers. If connection felt risky, we may grow hyper-independent. If chaos ruled, we may become caretakers or controllers.
These strategies worked when we were young. But as adults, they become overplayed patterns. Psychologist Gabor Maté talks about this in terms of adaptation: what once kept you alive can later keep you stuck. We are conditioned to search for the same dangers, we expect people to behave in patterns that feel familiar to us. Leadership simply gives those patterns a bigger stage.
Spotting your strengths in dark mode
Think of a recent moment at work when you were stressed, frustrated, or defensive. Chances are you leaned on a core strength - but in a way that worked against you.
Some common flips:
Confidence → arrogance (“I’ve already thought this through, no need for input”)
Empathy → people pleasing (“I’ll just take it all on so no one feels bad”)
Drive → control (“If I don’t push harder, nothing will get done”)
Strategic vision → detachment (“I’ll stay in the big picture while ignoring the messy human reality”)
Adaptability → inconsistency (“I’ll change the plan again… and again”)
This isn’t about pointing out our habits to cause shame, it’s about noticing when you’re overusing the very muscle that usually serves you well (for the majority of the time!)
Common shadows and how they play out in leadership
Example 1: The Over-Empathiser
A leader who’s known for empathy gets stuck in people-pleasing. They say yes to every request, shield the team from tough feedback and avoid conflict at all costs. The short-term result is harmony. The long-term result? Burnout for the leader and confusion for the team. The shadow here isn’t empathy itself - it’s empathy without boundaries.
Example 2: The High-Driver
Another leader thrives on achievement and speed. They hit deadlines, deliver results, and pride themselves on energy. Under pressure, though, that drive morphs into micromanaging. The team feels suffocated, innovation stalls and resentment builds. The shadow here is drive without trust.
Example 3: The Lone Wolf
A senior exec raised on self-reliance believes “I can’t depend on anyone else.” It worked in childhood. It even worked climbing the ladder. But now, their hyper-independence blocks collaboration. They avoid vulnerability, hold information tightly and struggle to scale their leadership. The shadow here is independence without connection.
How to bring your shadow into the light
You can’t eliminate the shadow, but you can intentionally integrate it. Jung’s point wasn’t to ‘fix’ yourself but to become whole by acknowledging what you’ve pushed aside.
Here’s a process you can try:
Spot the trigger. Notice when you feel defensive, anxious, or controlling. That’s usually your shadow stepping in.
Name the strength. Ask: which of my strengths am I leaning on here? (e.g, empathy, drive, vision).
Check the overplay. Is this strength helping the situation - or is it tipping me into dark mode?
Ask what you’re protecting. Often the shadow is guarding something: credibility, belonging, control, or a fear of being exposed.
Rebalance intentionally. What’s the lighter, more grounded version of this same strength?
Example: “I stepped in to fix everything (overplayed drive). What I was protecting was my sense of control. A more intentional use of drive would be coaching someone else to take ownership.”
Reflection prompts for leaders
Here are a few questions to help you explore your own shadow patterns:
What do I get praised for most often? Could I be over relying on this when stress or uncertainty hits?
When was the last time I felt defensive at work? What strength was I using in that moment?
What belief do I hold about myself that I rarely question (e.g, “I must achieve to matter”)?
When I overplay a strength, what am I usually trying to protect?
How might I use that same strength with more balance and choice?
Why doing this matters
Self awareness isn’t a given in leadership, but it’s the foundation of trust. When you can own your shadow, you model humility and growth. You also free up your team to do the same.
Teams don’t need perfect leaders. They need leaders who see themselves clearly, admit when they’ve slipped into dark mode and course correct.
As Kegan’s adult development research shows, the difference between leaders who plateau and leaders who grow is this: the ability to step outside your own patterns, see them for what they are and choose differently.
And as attachment theory reminds us, the way you show up becomes the emotional climate for everyone else. If you can create safety by owning your patterns, you create the conditions for trust, resilience and honest performance.
Final thought
Your shadow isn’t the enemy. It’s a teacher. The very strength that derails you in dark mode is also the one that can help you lead at your best - if you’re willing to notice when it’s flipped.
The choice isn’t between being ‘light’ or ‘dark’. The choice is whether to keep running on autopilot, or to step into the discomfort of awareness.
Because the most powerful leaders aren’t the ones without shadows. They’re the ones who know theirs well enough not to let them run the show.
